Cannonfodder

What’s more paranoid than a squirrel? Not much. After eating a rather special pizza, a friend of mine once shot out of the door of the pub and ran six miles back to his house after thinking everyone was in the room was out to get him. That doesn't even come close. Find a park, watch a squirrel; they fidget, scratch their paws, ruffle their lips, spend all day looking over their shoulders. What are they expecting? Snipers? I think they are genuinely checking for the red dot? Hey man, is that a ladybird on me? Wait, it's autumn. Crap. Maybe that's why all red squirrels died out, red dot? Where? Agh! I'm covered in them! The strange thing is that squirrels spend so much time in open spaces; surely the last place to be if you have security issues. My advice? Stay indoors, buy a pantry.