The Move

The first night she comes to stay she brings a handbag. A small handbag. Barely bigger than a purse. And yet somehow, the next morning, she has enough for a full costume change plus makeup.

The second visit warrants an overnight bag. This time she knows she’s coming. Not a rucksack, let’s not go too far here. Just something that’s an armful, filled with small lacey things that to the uninitiated are indecipherable, perfumes and squirty things, lotions, creams, cotton pads, puffs and balls all layered upon each other. Whatever is necessary to be seen in daylight.

Next she arrives with luggage. Your heart sinks. In come the dresses, skirts, trousers and tops. Out goes your wardrobe space. Fold your jumpers, she says. Why are your t-shirts on hangers? She asks. You do as you’re told, rolling your socks, containing and compacting your meagre belongings.

And still she continues to buy. Shoes, shoes, a world full of shoes. Cupboards spill and overfill with them. You lose track of dresses. That’s my favourite dress, you say. It’s new, she huffs. Suddenly you find a whole drawer dedicated to towels. Another dedicated to linen. Your sock drawer merges with the pants. Wash cycles become twice weekly.

Before long you are reduced to a rack. Room for two shirts and a suit. The rest of your clothes dumped in the corner. You wear the same thing on a three day rotation. After all, who are you trying to impress?

True

Where's Wally makes Spot the Dog look like child's play.

Course

I don't feel so good

I had fish for dinner 

It disagreed with me 

I was hungry... 

And it wanted to live

In the end we compromised

I had sushi.

Work Less Pay More

I'm tired of all these engineering works and improvement works ruining my weekend. Each week I buy my ticket at full whack and face penalty fares if I go out of zone. There's no excuse to travel without a valid ticket, and yet there appears to be every excuse to run a shitty service. Why does this not work the other way around? If my train is cancelled, where's my refund? I think I'm going to start running a new announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, as part of the vanderput financial improvement program, fare evasion will take place on the following lines...