No Laughing Matter

I went to a clown's funeral today; I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As I walked into the church the other clowns were parping their big red noses into soggy handkerchiefs and wringing them out over the slippery floor. I knelt by the casket and laid the flowers I had brought; a small bunch of daisies near the rear squirted water in my eye. The priest said he died with a smile on his face. I wondered how they could tell. Afterwards we drove to the cemetery, the parade led by a tall clown called BoBo, pedalling furiously on a tiny bicycke and clutching an umbrella in the beating sun. When we arrived, twelve clowns with bright yellow wigs tumbled out of the small black hearse one by one. The doors fell off and the rear suspension collapsed, sending the coffin shooting from the back, knocking down a small whiteface called JoJo tying his laces. He fell into the open grave and we shuffled nervously not sure what to do. Someone else passed forward a little hat with propellers on the top, a lady clown pulled out a small ladder from her stockings, and others suggested we get hold of a trampoline. Eventually though we passed down a belt from a fat clown at the back that no-one seemed to know. We tied it to a tree a few yards back, threw in a unicycle and JoJo peddled out, wobbling and juggling rocks as he went. The fat clown's pants fell down and everyone clapped. As they lowered the coffin into the grave, people started to whisper. The poor dead fool was too big for the box, unable to close the casket, they had had to cut a hole in the lid for his feet to point through, and now they poked out the height of a small child. Even after they filled in the grave they still stuck out. In the end we painted them grey, and everyone said it was a very good job, that no-one would notice, and besides no-one had the money for a gravestone anyway. Afterwards we went back to his mother's for tea, she gave us all custard pies and squirted soda water in our mouths. As I left, one of his old friends came up to me and shook my hand, a shock passed through me and I looked at him. He shrugged his shoulders and waddled back inside, slapping his big shoes as he went. I took my coat and closed the door softly behind me.