Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

friday thirtieth march eight forty am: Last night Steven Seagal said I was awesome. I'm not really sure what to do with that. 'Awesome magic dude,' he said, 'awesome.' I wanted to call him Steven Seagull for the joke of it. That would have been funny right? No. He would have put a knife through my head like he did to Tommy Lee Jones.

saturday seventeenth march one twenty three pm: My good friend ana is shooting a movie at my good friend ray's shop. The location manager failed to arrive early enough to save a necessary parking spot, and a car is now parked in prime location. The car must be moved. 'Err, mr ray,' says ana, 'whose car is that please?' 'That is the car of Stella McCartney,' ray replies. 'Stella "Daughter of Paul" McCartney?' says ana. 'Yes.' says ray. 'Oh.' says ana. 'She's away for the weekend,' adds ray.

sunday eighteenth march five thirty eight pm: Marco Pierre White buys my mother and I dinner. 'Can I just say how good it is to see a boy take his mother out for dinner,' he says to me, 'I want to thank you for choosing my restaurant, it is an honour,' he says to me, 'these two will be my guests for the evening,' he declares and clicks his fingers at floor managers and waiting waiters; tables are set and champagne is brought over.

monday nineteenth march two fifteen precisely: I buy a paper from a guy at the station, I put down some chewing gum and a bar of Mr Tom and hand over the wrong change. He returns the overspend and hands me my receipt with the wish of a good day. He even smiles. Who are you? I think.