Stomach Turning

Here is a story you may not want to hear. I repeat: you really, really may not want to have this information in your head. Still reading? Then here goes. When I first got sick five years ago, they struggled to pin down exactly what it was. Many options presented themselves, one of them being Crohn's disease. Now Crohn's is about as much fun as drinking bleach, but without the deep cleansing benefits. One of the signs they tell you to watch out for is blood in your stools. And we’re not talking home furnishings here. If you're shitting blood my friend, your number's coming in. So, one time, I'm in St Thomas' Hospital for the third time in two months, getting sicker with each passing day. I'm on the toilet, where I spent most of that week, listening to the chimes of Big Ben across the river, when I look down and see red. I freak out. I pull the emergency cord as if my life depended on it, which, at that point, I think it does. The nurses come rushing in, carried away by the possibility of disaster, one even brings a crash trolley. And there I am, pants around my ankles, screaming, 'there's blood in my diarreoh! Theresbludinmydierearrr!!!' Oh, they say, and I see a definite look of disappointment cross their faces. Well, take a sample and we'll send it off for you. They hand me a pot with a spoon. Oh geez. So it's come to this, I think. I roll up my sleeves and kneel down. As I scoop up my own feces, as I lift the bloody, shitty mucus into the pot something strange happens. The blood comes up in one piece. That's odd, I thought. And in one slow shift, like the rising of the sun, it dawns on me that this is not blood. It's red pepper. From the pizza I had last night. There is a long moment of silence as I come to terms with this new development. I can hear the nurses chattering outside the door. I decide it would be best if nobody knew about this. So I continue to scoop. I put the lid on, and hand the pot over without a word. I'm sure they got a surprise in the lab that day. What blood type is he? Err... Cajun.