Last Night

I was in the bar and your friend was there, the grandson of the ruler or whatever. And he had a pot of that tobacco, you know, the one I tried the first night here? So I was like, hey! I wanna piece of that! If I can’t have beer, vodka, smokes, coffee, smack, crack, both kinds of coke or whisky, the least I can do is get stoned on the green stuff. I wanna try the pipe I tell him, and ever the host, he fills it up and lights it. Inhale deeply he tells me. I drag on it like it’s salvation. Three times he makes me do this. And as I breathe out I know it’s over. A tingling spreads in my arms, crawls across my shoulders, needles into my fingers, my head feels like its in a vice, tight and tightening, the world is going flat. I can barely lift my arm, but I do and manage to raise a deck of cards from the bar. Sign a card I tell him. The 52 papers are leaden and pull my hand to my lap like I've got a magnet in my crotch. I lose it in the deck and shuffle. I might as well be tossing plates. I turn out the joker. This is your card I tell him. No the guy says, laughing in my face. Cover it, I tell him, and I feel like I’m fusing into my seat. Have a look, I tell him, and when he lifts his hand it’s his nine of hearts. He flips out, I change it back to the joker and pull the nine from the zippered compartment of my wallet. The bar is going crazy. I bask in the glory for all of three seconds, when it becomes apparent I need to be sick. As I try to vocalise this, I am sick. Just a little bit in my hand. And then a bit more. And then I am being very sick. Lots of it. And not just on me. I pebble dash the bar. The barman manages to get away clean. The grandson of the ruler is not so lucky. His drink is spattered with congealed mash potato, as are my shoes, the peanuts, two cellphones, my juice and his card. I wipe his card down, lose it in the deck and cut the cards with my shadow. Give me a lobotomy, I'll still be finding the four of spades. And now I’m helping to clean up, I feel so bad man, but even so, I I can’t see, everything is going dark and starting to accelerate and I’ve gone a sickened shade of duck-egg green. I sit for a few seconds sweating, and realise I must pay a visit to Mr Bowl. I make it just in time and hurl up the remains of my fish supper. I drink some water and hurl some more. And as I’m acting as a shuttle from bottle to bowl, all I can think is Welcome to Dubai.