Jewels

While out for dinner at a great little Thai place in Soho at my friend's expense (you are awesome, i love you, feeding John is one of the greatest gifts anyone can give) I remembered this little story...

When I was in hospital, almost two years ago now, recovering from some operation or other, a woman left a very strange voicemail on my phone: 'Hi John, it's Sarah from so & so productions, great to speak to you the other day, we're all really looking forward to Edinburgh, and can't wait to start filming! Just one question, is your name spelt with one T or two?'. I put down the phone, took a sip of Lucozade and thought for a while. Err... what? I had no recollection of a Sarah, a production company, Edinburgh, and now I came to think of it, my home address. Ok, don't panic, I'm sure it's just a mix-up, a wrong number, if I call back she probably won't even know who I am. I call this 'Sarah' back and she recognises my voice at first answer. Uh oh. She asks me how the show's going. What show? I reply. The show silly! she chides. When did we last speak? I ask. Two days ago, she says. Ah. That would be two days ago when I just so happened to be high as a kite floating off my face on diamorphine. I'm pretty sure this would have been during one of those 24 hour periods when they tell you not to drive, or sign any legal documents, or accept any offers regarding fly-on-the-wall television documentaries of performers launching their solo career at the 2003 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It seems that in my state of prescribed inebriation when asked if I would be going to Edinburgh, I replied that not only was I going, but I was staging a full-on one-man Magic Spectacular such that the world had never seen. Bugger. I hadn't staged a show longer than 30 minutes, I'd never even been to Scotland, and- wait a minute, I used the word Spectacular!?! How could she have not realised I was riding bareback on the fastest horse this side of insanity. I voiced my concerns. But, she said, you promised the most incendary mix of live comedy, illusion, theatrics and religion! Religion? Apparently the documentary she was creating had quite a religious slant to it and in the spirit of good will, wanting to help this lady out and brighten up her day, I'd invented not only a fictional magical show of biblical proportions, but also passed myself off as an Evangelist. Great.