How to Impress Your Friends

People are always asking me to teach them a trick, so for once, I thought I'd give it a go. But this is no cheap bar stunt I'm gonna give away. This is a miracle. I'm going to show you how to turn invisible. Ready? Good. First get a family. I know, it sounds weird, but go with it; remember who's the magician here. Next, get a job, not just any job, a good, steady job. Then a car, a house, a mortgage, a couple of kids. Become upstanding. Continue for six to seven years. Now lose everything. Overnight. I don't care how you do it, lose a loved one, cultivate an addiction, whatever, just do it. So now you're a destitute. Have patience. Roam the streets a little, rough it up. Don't shave, don't shower, avoid acts of redemption. Repeat for eight to twelve months. Almost there. Now, get on a tube train. You'll have to jump the gate obviously, so good luck with that, but if you've got this far it shouldn't be a problem. Here comes your big moment. Walk into the carriage, say, 'I'm sorry to bother you ladies and gentlemen but I was wondering anyone could spare a little change for something to eat and maybe a hostel for the evening...' Is anybody looking at you? Can anyone see you? Are you even there? Tada!