Close Call

“So I’m driving back, and the trunk is loaded, I mean loaded, tequila,
whisky, vodka, gin, I got it all. And I get pulled over. Shit man, I’m
sweating man, I mean I am sweating. If they bust you on this stuff,
that’s it, your life, over, you’re in jail, for life, and we’re not talking
one of those nice English prisons with a colour tv and room service,
we’re talking an Arabic jail my friend. So I’m on this road, the middle
of nowhere, sand whipping around me, and I’m pouring with sweat.
We have to search the car, they say. C’mon man, I tell them, I gotta
get home. Sorry, they say, stone cold, we gotta search it. I climb out
of the car, and the steering wheel is dripping where my hands were,
I mean, it’s the desert so maybe they couldn’t tell, but sweat is
pouring from me, I'm shedding pounds. They look at the seats, the
open the glove box, they look at a bag I’ve got, then they look at the
trunk. We gotta look in the trunk, they say. Man, my hands are
shaking, I’m fumbling the keys and my hands are shaking, and they
see it, I can see they can see it. So I’m looking at these keys, and my
eyes are blinking and I'm walking as slowly as I can to the trunk
when out of nowhere, right out of the sand, this guy drives his jeep
smack into the back of my car. Some arab guy, drunk, doesn’t know
where he is. And these guys start running around, shouting at him,
pointing their guns at the car and he’s spinning his wheels in the
sand, and his alarm’s going. So anyway they pull him out of the car
and they’re busting him, and I think, that’s it, I can get out of here.
So I go to leave and this guy comes back over, the same guy that
pulled me over, hey, he says, his hand on his gun, we gotta look in
the trunk. Shit, I’m a ball now, I don’t know which ways up, so I get
out and go to the trunk, put the keys in but it won’t budge. When
this guy drove into the back of me he busted the lock, it won’t open,
doesn’t matter what they try it’s jammed shut. So they let me go,
nothing they can do. And I’m driving back home, my shirt soaked,
crying and laughing, man I don’t know what to do, I stop and puke
on the road, but I made it, and I'm laughing as I puke.”