Late Night Mistakes

It was the kind of letter you'd write whilst waiting for the water to boil; we’re talking restraining orders at dawn here. ‘Dear Natalie Portman,’ it began, but let me go back. I'm in Soho House, home of a thousand mistakes, and sober as a chilled pebble. Maddy at reception tells me Natalie Portman is here. What can I say? My excuses are as thin on the ground as the waiters. Natalie Portman! I say, wow, do you know she is exactly one year younger than me, to the day! Hmm, interesting, says Maddy, you should tell her! Do you think I really should? I say a bit too quickly, overexcited by the encouragement. Yes, definitely, says Maddy, eyes twinkling at the possibility of a fool making, but she’s with her boyfriend at the moment. Oh, that could be awkward, I admit, I wouldn’t want to look weird or anything. No, agrees Maddy. I know! I say, I’ll write her a letter! Yes, nods Maddy, that would be much better. Dear Natalie Portman, I write, Hello! My name is John van der Put and I am one year older than you... to the day! It continues from there, but I'll save you the details. After a few drafts I've written two pages, I seal it up, scrawl Natalie's name in large writing (just in case she forgets who she is) and hand it over. I skip joyfully out of the club go home. It’s a whole hour before the terrifying nature of my behaviour catches up with me. What have I done? All of a sudden I’m overcome with that sickening dread that perhaps it’s not quite as funny as I thought it was. I spend the day in bed. The next time I’m at the club I see the letter behind reception. She didn't get it!! I ask for it back, Lydia at reception asks what exactly I want with Natalie Portman’s mail. Ah. I explain myself very sheepishly. Lydia looks at me for long while, I can almost hear her refiling me. Finally she relents and gives it back. I open it, just to check what I wrote, and the contents make my hair stand on end. Oh Natalie, I'm very sorry, I promise to leave you alone now. You are more than the date of your birth.